Dating

Dating is a modern practice in which two people spend time together, often unsupervised and without formal parental involvement, in the hopes of finding a marriage partner.¹ It arose only in the early twentieth century; Scripture never describes anything like it, since marriages in the biblical world were typically arranged by families rather than initiated by the couple themselves.¹ Reformed Baptist ethics does not prescribe one method of meeting a spouse, but it does govern the practice by the same principles that govern any relationship pursued toward marriage: purity, honesty, honoring one’s parents, and marrying within the faith.

Confessional Witness

The 1689 London Baptist Confession of Faith has no chapter addressing dating or courtship as such. Its chapter “Of Marriage” states the purpose and boundaries of marriage itself rather than the process by which a couple arrives at it, and the specific custom now called “dating” did not exist when the confession was written in 1677.² The confession does, however, state the governing principle behind how a Christian ought to choose whom to marry in the first place:

It is lawful for all sorts of people to marry, who are able with judgment to give their consent; yet it is the duty of Christians to marry in the Lord; and therefore such as profess the true religion, should not marry with infidels, or idolaters; neither should such as are godly, be unequally yoked, by marrying with such as are wicked in their life, or maintain damnable heresy.³

The confession addresses whom a Christian marries, not the process by which two people arrive at marriage.

Biblical Basis

Scripture nowhere legislates a specific method for meeting and courting a spouse. In the Bible, marriages were commonly arranged by parents according to ancient Near Eastern custom, though this was not a requirement of biblical law.¹ When Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac, the servant negotiated the marriage with Rebekah’s family, but Rebekah herself was still asked to consent before leaving with him to be married: “We will call the young woman and ask her” (Gen. 24:57-58).

The Bible also recognizes romantic and physical attraction as part of courtship, within moral limits.¹ In the Song of Songs, a young man exclaims of his beloved, “Behold, you are beautiful, my love; behold, you are beautiful; your eyes are doves” (Song of Sol. 1:15). At the same time, character before God, not physical beauty, is what Scripture commends as the decisive qualification: “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised” (Prov. 31:30).

Several further boundaries apply to any relationship a Christian pursues toward marriage. Believers are told in the strongest terms to marry within the faith rather than an unbeliever (2 Cor. 6:14). Sexual intimacy is reserved for marriage itself (Gen. 2:24-25; 1 Cor. 6:12-20). And honoring one’s parents (Ex. 20:12) continues to apply to the process of finding a spouse, though how that plays out differs for a teenager and an adult pursuing marriage later in life.¹

Opposing Views

Evangelical Christians disagree over whether dating or a more structured “courtship” better reflects these biblical principles in practice.¹

Courtship

In a courtship, a man formally introduces himself to a woman’s family and asks permission to pursue her, with marriage as the explicit goal from the outset. The couple’s interactions are closely supervised, especially in the early stages, with independence granted only gradually as the relationship progresses.¹

Dating

Dating, by contrast, pairs a couple off for outings such as a meal, a concert, or an event without necessarily signaling an intention to marry, though in many Western societies it functions as a first step toward marriage.¹

Scripture does not settle which of these two practices a Christian should follow: “In some circumstances and cultures, courtship may be preferable. In other instances, dating can be a morally acceptable action. In either circumstance, as long as a Christian maintains purity, acts in an honorable way, and seeks to marry another believer, they are within God’s boundaries.”¹ Arranged marriage, practiced in parts of the Bible and still practiced by Christians in some cultures today, can likewise be “blessed by the Lord and full of love, joy, and romance.”¹

Objections and Responses

Missionary dating, pursuing a romantic relationship with an unbeliever in hopes the relationship itself will lead to their conversion, is sometimes defended as a form of evangelism. This departs from the “marry in the Lord” principle (2 Cor. 6:14) rather than serving it: a Christian’s own character can be genuinely attractive to an unbeliever without reflecting saving faith, and “some nonbelievers are quite adept at feigning interest in Christ in order to convince a Christian to entertain a proposal of marriage.”¹ The relationship itself is not a substitute for conversion coming first.

Related Doctrines

References

J. Alan Branch, “What, If Anything, Does the Bible Say about Dating?,” in 50 Ethical Questions: Biblical Wisdom for Confusing Times (Bellingham, WA: Lexham Press, 2021), chap. 21, 106-109. ↩ ↩² ↩³ ↩⁴ ↩⁵ ↩⁶ ↩⁷ ↩⁸ ↩⁹ ↩¹⁰ ↩¹¹
The Second London Baptist Confession of Faith (1677), chap. 25, “Of Marriage,” para. 2. ↩
The Second London Baptist Confession of Faith (1677), chap. 25, “Of Marriage,” para. 3. ↩